There’s no perfect marriage.
A union that weaves together two different personalities will have character, preference, and cultural clashes.
If these differences cause major problems in your household, there’s hope. You can patch things up by learning how to fix a broken marriage.
How to Fix a Broken Marriage Without Counseling
Is your mate willing to work with you to deal with marital problems?
Both parties must combine efforts to reap success in their marriage. To fix a broken marriage without counseling, consider the importance of communication.
You can fix a broken marriage through meaningful communication. The silent treatment doesn’t work. It allows problems to fester and stink. Whatever problems you have should be met with meaningful conversation.
Some conversations, however, can do more harm than good; that’s if you communicate the wrong way.
When you decide to discuss problems in your marriage, there’s something you must avoid. Consider ‘how’ communication should be done.
2. Communicate to Make Amends, Not Point Fingers
Avoid pointing fingers.
The aim is to come to a mutual solution, a solution that benefits the family.
When you dig into what your mate isn’t doing (or did), you rub it in and incite more problems.
Communicate with the aim to win back your mate and fix the looming problem. Marriage isn’t a game of chest or child’s play. This isn’t the time to play the game of who did this or that.
Instead of reeling out an exhaustive list of what your mate isn’t doing for you or the household, perhaps a better way to approach the situation is to say, ” we need to improve in this area, or we could do this better.”
The truth is, there may be issues that might be directly attributed to your mate. However, highlighting a problem that needs fixing is different from pointing fingers.
While you communicate without pointing fingers in your mate’s direction, timing is also a crucial factor to consider.
3. Set an Appropriate Time to Discuss Family Problems
There is an ideal and inappropriate time to discuss problems in a marriage.
How would you feel, if, after a hectic, crazy day at work, your mate tried discussing a problem with you? Would you appreciate it, or would you be annoyed?
Engaging your spouse in discussions about serious problems, when your mate is irritable or emotional, isn’t beneficial. Wait until your spouse is calm and composed. Discuss serious family matters only when you’re both clear-headed and emotionally fit to do so.
An appropriate timing will determine how your mate listens and reacts to the subject. Also, it’ll determine how successful you are when you meet to fix marriage problems.
Avoid being under the influence when settling disputes. You shouldn’t be drinking or using drugs. When you’re under the influence of a substance, especially alcohol, it’s easy to say degrading, hurtful things.
One hurtful or derogatory statement geared towards your mate can escalate into even bigger problems.
Do not discuss marital problems
- While in the presence of children, friends, and relatives
- When in public spaces
- While hungry
- Immediately after your spouse gets home from work
- While tipsy or drunk
- When you or your mate is angry or irritable
- When someone is trying to get important work done
- When one person is trying to sleep
- During a woman’s menstrual cycle (she will be emotional)
4. Avoid Attacking Your Mate
To fix a broken marriage, teamwork is necessary.
Maybe your mate isn’t performing their role as they should. Perhaps they aren’t spending enough time with you as they ought to. Could it also be that you and your mate can’t agree on how much freedom your children are given?
Your mate will fall short, no doubt. That’s what happens within marriages and should be expected. It makes your mate human.
All these scenarios can cause issues in your marriage. When you settle down to discuss them, attack the problem, not your mate. When you attack problems in your marriage, you highlight the issue and steps you both need to fix them.
5. Avoid Shouting and Name-Calling
Watch your tone.
Sometimes it’s not what is said that breaks the camel’s back; it’s how it’s said.
When you express your emotions to your mate, avoid shouting. Quarreling doesn’t fix problems in a broken marriage. Respect goes a long way, so dignify your mate when you communicate.
Never should you stoop to calling your mate names like stupid, idiot, or loser.
In the true spirit of a famous proverbial saying: “A calm answer turns away rage, but grievous words cause anger to stir up.” (Proverbs 15: 1 – NWT) When you season your words with salt and decorate them beautifully, you win your mate’s respect. You also preserve the peace and settle differences with mildness.
Never discuss marital problems when enraged. If things become heated when you start to communicate, it’s best to stop the discussion. Sometimes you may also need to walk away, especially if your mate is heated and insistent on talking then and there. Handling your emotional state is a great way to fix a broken marriage.
6. Listen and Speak When It’s Appropriate
We are endowed with two ears and a mouth. Learn to listen more. It’s natural to want to interject as your mate is expressing how they feel. Avoid the urge to do interrupt your mate.
If you and your mate speak simultaneously, at what point do you listen to each other?
When you’re both silent?
That doesn’t cut it. Allow your mate to express their emotions without restrictions. Your role is to practice active listening. Don’t listen to rebut your mate. Listen with the objective to make changes.
After your mate has spoken, the floor is yours. Then you get to express how you feel and what actions can be taken to move things smoothly.
7. Avoid Downplaying How Your Mate Feels
Your mate has expressed their disagreement with your spending habits or how you perform chores around the home.
Whatever course is taken, avoid trivializing how your mate feels. The fact that they took the time to bring matters to your attention makes it serious business.
It means a lot to your spouse.
Even if you don’t think you have a problem to deal with, don’t make light of the situation.
Apologize when you need to and work at the problem with promptness.
8. Be Willing to Forgive
A strong marriage is built on the foundation of forgiveness. In the same light, you must be willing to forgive your mate to fix marriage problems.
When your mate does something slighting, maybe it’s an inappropriate comment before your peers, how do you react? Do you respond in kind with an equally awful retort?
Marriage shouldn’t be a stage for fighting fire with fire. If your mate does something that you don’t agree with, communicate the problem.
Did your spouse insult you in public? Could you wait until you get home, instead of airing your dirty laundry before gawking eyes?
Blowing up before others isn’t a great look for your relationship. Avoid taking private matters into the public domain. Learn to forgive your mate when disagreements arise, instead of holding grudges.
To fix a broken marriage, you will need to learn how to forgive.
To fix marriage problems, a compromise is inevitable. Compromising means showing a willingness to leave behind attitudes and values that your mate finds offensive.
Compromising means giving up your right, just to make amends with your mate.
When you learn the art of what it means to compromise, you’ll find greater joy in your marriage, as you’ll have fewer problems to contend with.
10. Agree on a Solution
When you discuss problems with your mate, never leave without agreeing on a solution. What was the point of meeting to discuss things to begin with? Was it not to find ways to move forward?
Tie up loose ends by deciding what role you both will play to get the ball rolling, and fix marriage problems.
11. Create an Action Plan
Once a problem is brought to the fore and discussed, the next step is to act. Problems don’t solve themselves. People do.
It’s wise to create an action plan detailing how you’ll fix the problem. If you’re struggling with money issues, a shrewd idea is to take a profound look at the family’s finances.
You may need to create a budget and pinpoint areas in which you can cut back on expenses and try to augment your income. Tailor your action plan based on the problem. Different problems will require different items.
12. Go to Work
Be willing to put in the work.
You obviously want to save your marriage. If you didn’t care about resolving problems, you would not have sought out advice.
Someone with your determination to fix marriage problems should be resolved to work hard.
Marriage isn’t easy, but it’s rewarding. Keep working to iron things out. While you work to fix the problems you face, add a bit of patience to the mix.
Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Don’t expect to discuss a problem today and see a resolution the next. That would be wonderful, but that’s not how life or people work.
Put in the work and watch as it yields fruit.
Remember, always set aside time to discuss problems in a marriage. It’s best to communicate without playing the blame game or throwing insults at your mate. Never attack your spouse but zoom in on the problem that’s causing the rift.
Name-calling has no place in a marriage. Allow your mate to discuss how they feel without interrupting, even if you feel attacked. Be ready to forgive and compromise.
When you or your mate insists on being selfish, you won’t get anywhere.
Learn to concede.
After identifying and discussing the problem, approach the situation in a practical way by creating an action plan. Agree on what needs to be done and work on the problem together.
Using these techniques not only draws you closer to your mate, but it leaves a lasting impression on your children.
It also strengthens your marriage, keeps the family happy, and together.
A Note on Marriage Counselling + Free Mini Course
No couple wants to sit before a therapist detailing everything that has gone wrong in their marriage. That’s understandable.
However, if you and your spouse have been trying to fix a broken marriage but can’t seem to yield good results, perhaps it’s time to consider counseling.
Forget about how your family and friends feel. Forget about how you think you’ll be viewed. What counts is saving your marriage. Fight for what you love, even if it means sucking things up and sitting before a therapist.
If counseling isn’t in your budget, that’s understandable, as well. You shouldn’t feel forced to do what will leave a gaping hole in your bank account.
If direct counseling isn’t an option, consider taking a course with your mate to learn how to fix marriage problems. The “Save My Marriage” course today has a free 6-part minicourse that you can try if you’re not ready for the financial commitment. You can view the minicourse here and the paid option at this link.